Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
