I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
