last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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