hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
this hospital has no fireball
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.