this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
