I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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