I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This baby is an asshole
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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