I faked an abortion last night.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
