haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
