you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
