the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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