I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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