how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
