dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."