Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
