i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
