He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
