i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
