omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
