I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
