so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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