He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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