Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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