I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
