I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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