I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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