I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
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As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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