and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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