my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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