Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
