repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
