I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
