so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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