I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
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I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating