i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes