i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
