I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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