you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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