Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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