Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
