Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
