I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
