Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
