My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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