I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
