the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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