It's a beautiful day for a hangover
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
