he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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