i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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