Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
