is your mom at the bar?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
