I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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