Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
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i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize