I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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