i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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