I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
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I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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