I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
