I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
