$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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